Are you single and searching for love? If so, you’ve probably followed the classic advice of making a list of all the qualities you want in a partner. This seems like a great exercise, but there’s a common mistake many people make when creating this list.
When we reflect on our past relationships, we naturally recall the positive traits of our exes and add those to our list. But often, we focus even more on the negative traits—the ones that frustrated us, hurt us, or even led to the breakup. Determined not to repeat history, we write down the opposite of those traits, hoping to attract a completely different type of partner.
Yet have you ever found yourself in a new relationship, only to see those same negative traits eventually resurface? I did. One of the traits I disliked most in past partners was ‘inconsistency’. At the start of a new relationship, everything seemed fine—until, once again, inconsistency reared its ugly head. I then realised the common denominator was me.
To break the cycle, I made a conscious effort to be the most consistent, reliable partner possible. I gave my love freely, never played games, and always showed up. I thought that by modelling consistency, my partner would naturally do the same.
But life isn’t that simple.
I noticed that my commitment to consistency in my relationships came at the cost of being inconsistent with myself. I neglected my own needs, my self-care routines became sporadic, and I sacrificed personal time to prioritise my partner. The real problem wasn’t that men were inconsistent—it was that I wasn’t showing consistency to myself.
When another relationship ended due to the same pattern, I finally made a shift. I poured love and consistency into myself as if my life depended on it. I followed through on my promises to myself, nurtured my well-being, and built self-trust.
And then, something incredible happened. A wonderful, consistent man showed up—and stayed and more importantly remained consistent with his love and affection for me.
So, when you make your list of desires in a partner, also commit to embodying those qualities yourself and give that kindness, compassion, consistency (whatever is important to you) to yourself first.
With my clients, I help them create this list—but more importantly, we develop real ways to show up for themselves first. Because when you do, love always follows, Remember you always attract what you are, not what you want. The failed relationships were just a mirror to show you what you truly need from yourself.
Nisha x