I read something recently…
A man was asked what the secret was to loving the same woman for 60 years. You’d expect the usual answers—communication, date nights, compromise. But he said something completely different.
“You don’t love the same woman.”
He explained that she changed every few years. Motherhood changed her. Loss changed her. Time changed her. And every time she changed, he had a choice: complain that she wasn’t who she used to be, or learn her again.
And I thought… what if we applied that to ourselves?
Because right now, everything is about self-love. But are we actually loving ourselves at every stage of our lives—or are we just clinging onto old versions of who we used to be?
I’ll be honest. I’ve caught myself doing this recently.
I’m nearly 51, going through perimenopause, and my body is changing. And instead of supporting myself through it, I’ve found myself comparing. Comparing to my 40-year-old body. Comparing to when I could eat what I wanted. Comparing to when a couple of gym sessions made me feel toned and “back on track.”
And the way I’ve been speaking to myself? Not kind.
It made me realise something quite uncomfortable: I wasn’t loving myself as I am now. I was grieving a version of me that doesn’t exist anymore.
And if you really think about it, this isn’t new.
Think back to those moments you’re reminiscing about—the ones where you say, “God, I looked so good then.” I can almost guarantee that when that photo was taken, you weren’t thinking that at all. You were probably comparing yourself to an even earlier version. Thinking, “I don’t look how I did in my 20s.”
So what are we actually doing?
We’re constantly looking backwards. Always reaching for a version of ourselves that, at the time, we didn’t even fully appreciate.
So where does it stop?
Because if we keep doing this, we’ll spend our entire lives missing ourselves while we’re still living them.
Even in relationships, I’ve noticed it. Thinking, “He doesn’t desire me the way he used to.” But actually, we’re not the same people we were when we first met. We’re in a different phase now. And love looks different here.
So, the real question isn’t: Why has everything changed?
It’s: Can I learn to love this version of me too?
Because just like that man chose to relearn his wife again and again, we have to relearn ourselves.
At every stage.
When your body changes.
When your career changes.
When your energy changes.
When your priorities shift.
You are not failing—you are evolving. But self-love isn’t just about affirmations or spa days. It’s about staying curious about who you are becoming. It’s about not freezing yourself in a version from the past and expecting her to carry you through life.
It’s about meeting yourself where you are now.
And choosing, consciously, to love her.
Not because it’s easy. But because she deserves it.
Love Nisha x