I recently came across a quote inspired by the Roman Emperor and Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius that really made me stop and think. “Never let anyone hear your complaint. Not even yourself.” At first, I thought that sounded a little extreme. Surely we all need to let off steam from time to time. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised there was a lot of truth in it.
In fact, it made me recognise something about myself that I hadn’t really noticed before. I’m actually quite a complainer. Not because my life is particularly difficult or because I’m deeply unhappy. Quite the opposite. I think, like many of us, I’d simply got into the habit of moaning. Living in London, we complain about the traffic, the weather, the trains, the queues, the cost of living and just about everything else. It almost becomes part of everyday conversation. The funny thing is, half the time I don’t even really mean it. It’s simply become a habit.
Once I’d recognised that, I decided to set myself a challenge. For one week, I was going to become aware of every single complaint that came out of my mouth. I almost wanted a little jar where I could put a coin in every time I complained, just to see how often I was doing it. The results surprised me. Every phone conversation seemed to contain some form of complaint. Some were tiny, some were bigger, but none of them were particularly useful.
That’s when I realised something else. Complaining rarely solves anything. In fact, if we’re not careful, it does something much worse. It convinces us that we’re powerless. Every time we repeatedly tell ourselves that something is unfair, annoying or impossible, we’re reinforcing the idea that life is happening to us rather than for us. Whether we realise it or not, we begin stepping into the role of the victim.
Our brains don’t always distinguish between what we’re repeatedly saying and what is objectively true. They simply respond to whatever we focus on most often. We’ve all heard the phrase, “What you focus on grows,” and I genuinely believe that’s true. If you constantly focus on what’s wrong, your brain becomes incredibly good at finding more things that are wrong. Before long, complaining becomes your default setting, even when life is actually going pretty well.
So instead of simply trying to stop complaining altogether, I came up with a different approach. Every time I caught myself complaining, I asked myself two simple questions. Can I change this? Or do I simply have to accept it?
If I could change it, then complaining wasn’t the answer. Action was. What could I do today to improve the situation? What was my next step? Even a small action immediately put me back in control. If I couldn’t change it, then I reminded myself that continuing to complain would achieve absolutely nothing. All it would do was keep my attention fixed on something outside my control.
Acceptance isn’t giving up. Acceptance is recognising reality and choosing not to waste your emotional energy fighting something you cannot change. There’s actually something incredibly freeing about that. The moment you stop resisting the things you can’t control, you create so much more space to focus on the things you can.
Since I’ve started practising this, I’ve noticed a real shift in my thinking. I’m certainly not perfect, and I still catch myself complaining from time to time, but now it acts as a little alarm bell. Instead of carrying on with the negative conversation, I pause and ask myself whether this is something I can influence. If the answer is yes, I make a plan. If the answer is no, I let it go.
Life will always give us things we don’t enjoy. There will always be delays, disappointments, difficult people and unexpected setbacks. That’s simply part of being human. The difference is deciding whether you’re going to spend your energy complaining about them or using that same energy to move yourself forward.
So I’d encourage you to try the same challenge. Spend one week simply noticing how often you complain. Don’t judge yourself. Just become aware of it. Every time you catch yourself, ask, “Can I change this, or do I need to accept it?” One answer leads to action. The other leads to peace. Both are far more powerful than staying stuck in complaint.
Love Nisha x