With the start of Spring, April has historically always been my happiest month of the year. That was until last April when I sadly lost my dad, after witnessing his short (6 month) brutal fight with Cancer. Despite catching it relatively early, we as a family were shown first hand just how vicious and evil the disease is. Watching my strong protective dad shrivel up emotionally and eventually physically was almost too unbearable to watch.
1 year on from his death, I’m reflecting on the year I’ve had. They say there are 4 stages of grief and I most definitely have lived them, almost like the 4 seasons. The first stage being ‘denial.’ The first few months I was relatively ok, I was even out socialising, holidaying, back at work, justifying to myself “at least he’s not suffering anymore…” I now know that was clearly just a coping mechanism because guess what, I was NOT fine at all!
Because the next stage was ‘anger’, there was so much rage inside me, that my body itself was burning up. “Why me? Why, my dad? I was uncontrollably lashing out to friends, family and even my clients, so much so that I was actually worried for my sanity….
As they say, anger is usually covering up sadness…and ‘sadness/ depression is the 3rd stage of grief. And sadness is what was overtaking me, my every thought was of missing him, I honestly couldn’t believe how my tears, (my new companions) were constantly on the surface.
After taking some time out to really heal my loss, I went to a wellness retreat in Goa, and it was here that I guess I found some form of ‘acceptance’, known as the 4th stage of grief….
This week it’s been a year since he’s gone… and as a coach, I’ve been reframing his death.
Firstly, from saying: “why me?’ to “why not me?” If one in two people get cancer, why wouldn’t it be me and my family? As a mathematician, I know this is just probability.
Secondly, this grief and loss I’m feeling, is the price you pay for loving someone, you’re not going to grieve someone where there was no love, so it’s a blessing and a reminder that I loved and was loved.
And, thirdly and the most healing reframe I’ve done, is changed my attitude to gratitude….
Gratitude for all the people the Universe sent my way to plaster the initial grief.
Gratitude for my friends and family who held and continue to hold the space for me to just be…
Gratitude for everyone’s compassion and forgiveness for all my lashings out.
Gratitude for the people who I love with all my heart, that I still have the luxury of time to create beautiful memories with.
And most importantly gratitude for my dad…. for all the wonderful memories and laughs we’ve shared, for all the sacrifices he made for me to live the life I do and for all the wisdom he’s taught me, that continues to live through me… RIP Daddy and Thank you x
For anyone who’s lost someone, gratitude truly is the antidote for grief.
He is Gone
You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. Or you can do what he’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.